It’s been four hours since I have turned my engine to a full start. I didn’t know where I am bound to. I got in my car all alone not minding where my wheels are going to take me until I saw myself driving my way to a place where I lived in for years. It has been ages since the last time I was here and I just can’t believe I am here once again. I see familiar places and faces, they all seemed so old but they have never failed to remind me of the memories I had, the glee and tears that I had. They were all coming back to me as if they all happened just yesterday. I parked my car and I went out. I took a deep breath, and sighed. “What ifs” and “if onlys” continued to haunt my mind. I started walking, but I have no idea where was I going. Then I realized I was walking back in time. And as I walked along my memory, I met him once again.
He was once the biggest part of me. He was with me through it all, he fought with me against my greatest battles… he never made me feel alone. He helped me patch up my broken heart. He was my greatest and sweetest downfall. He was something so important to me that I can’t imagine life without him. In short, he was everything. He was my best friend, a love to call, a love that didn’t last, and a love that didn’t even work. It was our project of a lifetime to be there for each other no matter what. He rebuilt me up, and eventually demolished me. I have loved him more than I thought I can. All of those were now a part of my cloudy memory that I can hardly recall. And I can’t believe that here I am, playing with those painful memories, and his face emblazoned in my mind so stunning that I can still feel the pain I felt once upon a time.
My steps led me to this familiar place. I see shadows of our past, of who we used to be. The place is hollow, but very oppressive. It gives me undeniable pain. Pain caused by farewells and endings. Pain brought by the word forever that has come to an end. Memories tumbled back on me again. That was the last Friday of our last semester. Graduation Day is fast approaching, and things aren’t going alright and it should not end there yet…it was raining that night and I can’t cry anymore. Its freezing but I chose to stay and wait for him. I know he’ll come. The rain grew stronger, and the night grew older. I don’t know if he will still show up or not anymore. That was the worst fight that we had. The reason… I don’t know, I can’t remember. But I’m sure, it is my fault. I’m giving him a lot of pain. I’m selfish and I want him mine, but I’m not what he deserves. I just wanted to say sorry to him that night and ask for another chance. I want him back. I know he’s kinda tired and fed-up of our fights and I don’t know if he’ll going to give one last chance. All I wanted was for us to have a new start. Now that we are ought to part, I want to secure everything. Couple of hours had passed, the rain grew stronger, and he showed up. I didn’t know but to some reason, before he finally saw me, I ran away. I felt the guilt that all I can give to him is pain and nothing else. I was afraid that if I have him once again, I might hurt him again, again, again, and all over again. And that ends there. I was the one who didn’t show up. Amidst the rain, I left him.
Now I’ve been drenched into regrets. What if I stayed? Maybe we reconciled. Maybe were okay. Maybe were stronger. Maybe. And that’s it. I don’t wanna hurt him anymore. But what if I didn’t give him up? Is he gonna hold on to me? Is he going to forgive me? Am I gonna be much happier if I’m with him than with what I have now? These questions continued to haunt me now and then. These questions continued to frustrate me by and by. If I have hold on to him, are we going to last forever? It is a bittersweet fact that after all, he is still the missing piece of me. I wish to be completed but I can’t anymore. I am now a wife and a mother of three. I am happily married, but somehow, I am incomplete.
I didn’t notice, it was already dusk and I should drive off my way outta here. I need to go home. I shall then face what I have to face, forget what I need not to remember. Move on. But there’s one thing in me that I’ll always keep. He is special. I know he will always be, forever and a day
*formerly titled “Shadows and Regrets” as posted on my LJ. I just hope that spark publication will choose to publish this one… kasi i really love this story… don’t you love it? 
